Ask Charles: What to do when he doesn’t want a relationship

Dear Charles:

I am currently traveling and I met a guy basically as soon as I arrived in the country. We started dating pretty much straight away. He ended up getting a room in same house-share, so we saw each other every day (but he usually stayed in my room with me). He broke it off just over two months ago, but we have still been living together and seeing each other “as friends” every day, as well. He ended things because he said he wasn’t ready. I have fallen for him and struggle to not get jealous when I think he’s interested in other girls. He has hooked up with a couple of girls since our breakup but tried to lie to me and said nothing happened. He also has shown signs of jealousy when he thought I was going on dates with guys and even just giving them my number. I haven’t kissed anyone apart from him but he doesn’t believe that.

I just want to understand why he still gets jealous and why he seems happy to spend every evening with me if he doesn’t have feelings for me. I am leaving in a few days and want to tell him how I feel before I go … but not sure if that’s a good idea because I’ve told him before.

What I should do?

V

Hi V:

People who run hot and cold are more than challenging to deal with… mostly because they make you think you did/are doing something wrong, and that’s why they won’t commit. In truth, they are doing precisely what works for them… and part of that is to not be committed so you keep chasing them.

My thoughts and advice: Instead of trying to adjust yourself and your expectations (over and over again) for someone who will constantly change the game, you need to make a clear, empowered decision that you will not settle for anyone’s half- assed, second-best approach to being involved with you—in any capacity. You are worth more than the way they are treating you, and you need to stop settling for it and tolerating it.

Dear Charles:

Four years ago, I became friends with a man and got on very well. When his relationship with his ex fell apart, I was there for him. We ended up kissing, but nothing else happened. This happened a couple of times. Even after he was gone for a year, he came back and we reconnected… kissing, but nothing else. I wouldn’t let it, as he was involved with other women. We ended up attending the same wedding (separately) last August. The attraction was still very much there, and we even stayed in the same hotel room. But I wouldn’t let anything go past a kiss because he wasn’t willing to make things real and exclusive.

From September onwards we spent a lot of time together, and eventually things took their natural course; we slept together. But he would always feel guilty afterwards, saying that we should only be friends and that “it won’t happened again”. But it did… and it kept happening. THEN he tells me I’m such a good friend and he is still crazy about his ex. Mind you, this is two years later AND he’s now with me. But he wants to try with her and wants me to deny our relationship if she asks me. She has heard about us and won’t get back with him. A month later he has now contacted me and wants to meet me but just for sex. I’ve told him I want nothing unless it means something.

I am so confused that after four years, I am here not knowing where I stand but thinking he doesn’t actually care and is just using me for sex!

J

Hi J:

This is your wake-up call. He’s playing games … not only with you, but with other women — and himself. My advice: Cut things off. What he’s doing has ALL to do with him, and nothing to do with you — meaning he’s not treating you this way because you “aren’t worth it” … he’s doing it because you are allowing it. Let him go … and if he wants a real relationship with you, he can come correct and stop screwing around with your heart.

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