Geek Girl in Hollywood: The most annoyingly unrealistic parts of TV

I’m taking a break from the heavy stuff this week; I think we’re all going to have plenty of very dark articles to read.

So let’s talk about TV. I’ve been marathoning a lot of television for work. I love TV — however, the sheer volume of my watching lately has made me notice a lot of things characters do differently than we do in real life.

For example, after about 10 hours of TV watching yesterday, I kept noticing the strange way shows depict phonecalls. No one every says goodbye. It’s giving me anxiety. How do you know you weren’t hung up on? This isn’t for filming purposes. There is no major plot point that is going to have to be written out because you added a simple goodbye. Wouldn’t the person on the other end be confused? Is the conversation over? Did she just drive through a canyon? Can you hear me now? It’s too much!

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We’ve heard the complaints about the size of apartments since back in the “Friends” era. They explained that Monica lived in her grandmother’s rent-controlled place; the size was a plot point. But then there’s “Supergirl.” How the hell does she afford that? Her boss, Cat, says she’s not paid that much! I know they have to do it for camerawork, but it feels so palatial that I can’t help but be pulled out of the story. I want to live in a place where I can spread my arms and not hit anything, too! Speaking of work, does no one’s boss have an issue when they just leave in the middle of the day… all the time?

And since we mentioned “Friends,” that show started the trend of having long conversations at a coffeehouse — like an hour long. And then everyone’s like, “Oh, I have to be at work!” What time do these people get up? 4 a.m.? Still, other shows have someone come in to the kitchen, take one bite of food and run out. No one seems to be pissed about it. If I just made you freaking pancakes, you’re going to sit down and eat them, bosses be damned. It’s not like they care where you are, anyway.

Let’s talk about sex. Aside from the fact that when the mood strikes and the unspoken moment of “we’re totally going to do this to each other” happens, they jump right to it. No foreplay, no smooching. They’re just going at it. Yes, I know half-hour shows don’t have time for niceties like slow clothing removal, but I’d be seriously disappointed. Less than 60 seconds is pretty sad. Of course, if you do manage to make it into a bed, someone will wake you up with kisses and talk right in your face. (This happens when you wake up from a coma as well.) Do you sleep with breath mints? Is there Binaca somewhere under your pillow? No one does this!

Finally, did you notice that people just throw down a pile of cash for the food they ate when they’re making a quick exit? Did you calculate that in your head and pre-count the cash in your pocket when we weren’t looking? I can’t do math that fast, and you can’t either.

What’s your favorite/least favorite TV “shortcut?” Let me know on Twitter!