Single & Swiping: How to flirt over text (and not freak out)

One of my clients recently handed over her phone so I could read her text exchanges with a match. “He ghosted on me,” she said. But when I viewed their messages, the reason he ghosted became clear — she was acting digitally unavailable.

In a world where we text instead of call, even small miscommunications via text can cost you dates. Here are three texting must-haves so you don’t lose out on any date nights.

Focus on connecting and planning — equally. The best text flirting involves both. Think about it: if you try to get to know someone without meeting IRL, you may waste your time writing all those texts and never go on a date. But similarly, if you try to skip directly to the date, you may not build up a strong enough connection to have a great time in person.

If you haven’t met yet, nudge your match offline after about 20 to 30 messages back and forth. (Don’t be shy, ladies!) Or if you’ve already met, send a thank you text post-date to keep the text string open and continue connecting. If the other person doesn’t mention another date within a week, go for it yourself.

Don’t fear silence. Often, my clients freak when their text doesn’t get a reply. They say, “She/he must not be interested anymore” or even conclude the person ghosted. But not every text needs a reply. It’s possible the conversation came to a natural close, especially if you didn’t ask a question. Sending a second message is okay once a few days pass. Make sure the person had enough time to reply to the first and then include a question so it clearly calls for a response.

Let “real time” communication be real time. With my client I mentioned, the lag time between messages was the issue – it took her more than 24 hours to reply! Don’t strategize your reply time – just respond when you see a match’s message. Having a digital conversation in real time is powerful, so you both want to meet up face-to-face sooner.